Deal Me Out
by Agent Gibbs
Summary: Gibbs invites Jenny, Vance, DiNozzo, Fornell, Abby, Ziva, Mike Franks, Ducky, and Eli David over for a Poker Game. My NCIS Parody of the MASH episode "Deal Me Out." Minor Tony/Ziva, Jenny/Gibbs near the end. Rated "T" To Be Safe
1. Let's Begin

It was an unseasonably warm Friday night for March. To make things more unusual, NCIS Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs was hosting a poker game at his house.

The players were Gibbs; NCIS Director Jenny Shepard; NCIS Deputy Director Leon Vance; Gibbs' Senior Field Agent Tony DiNozzo; Tobias C. Fornell (from the FBI); Abby Sciuto, NCIS Forensics Analyst; Agent Ziva David; Mike Franks, Gibbs' mentor; Dr. Donald "Ducky" Mallard, the NCIS Medical Examiner; and Mossad Director Eli David.

"Ladies and gentlemen," Gibbs said, "I make it 1900 hours. We're all assembled. Let's begin."


	2. First Man Out

The game started out slowly, with everybody but Fornell winning a hand (Or 2, in Ducky's case). On the 10th hand (Eli dealt), Fornell thought he had a winner. He traded in two cards and missed the flush by one. Working with a straight, he went all in.

As everyone else folded, Gibbs looked at Fornell. "How dumb do you think I am Tobias? **I call**."

"Okay, Jethro. What do you got?"

Gibbs threw his cards on the table. "Full house. Jacks and Kings. You?"

"Six-high Straight."

"Thanks for coming, Tobias. I'll spend your money well."

"Just don't build another boat with it," Fornell called as he left Gibbs' house.


	3. Lessons

The players were Gibbs, Jenny, Vance, Tony, Abby, Ziva, Franks, Ducky and Eli.

"That was a nice hand you dealt me, Eli," Tony said. "If I'd worked on it, I would've had nothing."

Eli said something to Tony in Hebrew. Ziva looked at her father.

"Really? I am sitting right here and you tell Tony to go do that. Disgusting."

"What did he say?" Tony asked.

"He told you to go do something very unpleasant concerning your privates, a blowtorch, and a car battery."

Tony cringed. "Forget I asked," he said, as he gave Ziva a kiss on the cheek, much to Eli's dismay.

"Rule number 12," Gibbs said, dealing the cards.

"Sorry, boss. What's the game?"

"Five-card draw. You can buy one at the end and low-hole card wild."

"Very interesting, Jethro," Ducky said.

Gibbs tossed Ducky a $50 chip. "Thanks for seeing me, Duck."

"Anytime."

Vance looked at his cards. Packing three treys with a deuce and a high King, he decided to try teaching the other players a lesson.

"Cards, Leon?" Gibbs asked.

"I'm good."

"DiNozzo?"

"Four."

"Ziva?"

"None."

"Eli?"

"Three."

"Jen?"

"Two, Jethro."

"Mike?"

"Just one, Probie."

"Abbs?"

"None."

"Duck?"

"Three cards, Jethro."

"Dealer takes one."

Tony looked at his cards. Ace of Clubs, Ace of Diamonds, Eight of Diamonds, Ace of Spades, Eight of Spades.

'_Great,_' he thought, putting on his sunglasses. '_I got the Dead Man's Hand._'

After looking at the faces of his opponents, Vance made a gutsy move.

"I'll bet a thousand."

"Fold," came the unanimous reply of everybody except for Abby, Tony & Eli.

"You three feeling brave?" Vance asked.

"Leon, you're asking a guy that put up with truth serum, Somali Pirates, a guy with Daddy Issues named Saleem, and blistering desert heat while rescuing a friend if he's feeling brave," Tony replied. "Really? I call."

"Fair enough. Eli?"

"You do not get to be Director of Mossad by not feeling brave once in awhile. Call."

"Before you ask, I call." Abby looked at her hand, thinking she should have just gone with McGee to see _21 Jump Street_.

"Well, I'm all in," Vance said. A smug look crossed his face when Eli and Abby threw their cards down.

Tony shook his head. "Leon, I hate to burst your bubble, but you're about to lose all your money. CALL."

"How are you gonna beat my Threes?"

"With three of my own, plus two more."

"What?"

"Aces and Eights. I think I win." Tony grinned maliciously. "And your wife is gonna _love_ you," he added with some sarcasm.

"May your hair fall out while you sleep tonight," Vance retorted as he left Gibbs' house.


	4. The Psychological Basis For Gambling

The players were Gibbs, Jenny, Tony, Abby, Ziva, Franks, Ducky, and Eli.

Fornell and Vance were gone for the night, having lost all their money in the game. Now the game was slowing down again, with nobody else walking out broke until about midnight.

"You deal, Jen," Gibbs said.

"Okay. The game is Seven-card draw, Aces high and low. No card wild."

As Jenny was dealing the cards, Tony asked, "Ducky, what's the psychological basis for gambling?"

"Sex."

"Why?"

"I don't know. They told me to say it. Sex why gamble. Sex is why we drink. Sex is why we give birth."

"Thanks, Ducky."

"I'm taking a $50 chip. That was a house call."

"Of course." Tony looked at his cards and groaned.

"Problem, Poker Face?" Ziva asked.

"I'm committing suicide," Tony answered, thinking, '_Wow. She gets THAT one right._'

"Go out in turn, DiNozzo," Gibbs said with out looking up from his cards. "Check."

Everyone else around the table checked as well. Until Tony.

**_"Fold."_** Tony threw his cards down and grabbed a beer from the fridge.

The remaining players (Gibbs, Jenny, Abby, Ziva, Franks, Ducky & Eli) were talking smack to each other, and it was about to get ugly between Franks and Eli.

"Oh yeah, Eli? You're so damn ugly that you make Chuck Norris flinch! **_That's_**_ ugly_!"

"Mister Franks, are you aware that I can kill you using a playing card as it is now?"

"I'll shoot you with my THUMB on the trigger, Eli."

Ziva had heard enough. She stood up and head-slapped both men. "We are all here to play poker, not to start an international incident across three countries! Now, both of you shake hands and make happy."

"What the hell is she talkin' about, Probie?" Franks asked Gibbs.

"She means shake hands and make NICE, so that we can get on with our game," Jenny said. "And I agree. Both of you stick your hands out and shake."

"Rule 18," Gibbs said as Franks and Eli shook hands. "Back to the game, gentlemen."

Franks and Eli sat back down (Luckily, Gibbs and Jenny were sitting between them) and the game continued. Franks and Ducky folded out of the hand, and they joined Tony as the three sitting out the round.

The bets from Gibbs, Jenny, Ziva, Abby, & Eli added up until Abby was all in and the others were close.

When the hands were revealed, Jenny won it. Abby was out of the game, and all she said when she left was that Franks and Eli acted like they were married.


	5. Not Without A Bulletproof Couch

The players were Gibbs, Jenny, Tony, Ziva, Franks, Ducky, and Eli.

Tony dealt next. Nobody else lost all their money, but some did win substantial amounts. Everything was quiet until 0200. Then gunfire started ringing out.

"What the hell?" Nobody was expecting it, and Franks said what the rest of them were thinking.

Gibbs grabbed his SIG and walked outside. A Marine was shooting up the house across the street from Gibbs.

Gibbs poked his head back inside. "A Marine blew his cork. Duck, this one's yours!"

"Not without a bulletproof couch, Jethro!" Ducky yelled as a bullet whizzed past his ear. "Okay. Jethro, knock him down before I get out there!"

Ducky moved to the door and saw Gibbs flatten the Marine with one well-placed punch between the eyes.

After the police had the Marine in custody (0330), the game resumed, and Franks was dealing.

Tony and Ziva were playing footsie under the table, very much to the chagrin of Eli. Gibbs and Jenny were basically playing a non-verbal game of grab-ass, and Franks had to clear his throat loudly enough that everybody remembered there was still a poker game going on.

The cards were dealt and the bets were placed. Jenny folded, followed by Ducky and Eli.

Franks got gutsy with Tony, Ziva, & Gibbs still playing. He raised half of his winnings, and Ziva folded, followed closely by Tony.

"Just you and me, Probie," Franks said. "What'cha gonna do now?"

Gibbs read his mentor's face. Franks had nothing. "I'm all in, Mike."

"I call, Probie. What do ya got?"

"Ace-high straight."

"GAAHH! Pair of deuces!" Franks got up and walked to the door. "See you next game, Probie!"


	6. Too Soon?

0400. The players were Gibbs, Jenny, Tony, Ziva, Ducky, and Eli.

"Who deals?" Gibbs asked.

"That would be me, Jethro," Ducky answered. "The game is five-card draw. Ace high and wild."

Gibbs saw his cards and threw them on the table. "Fold."

"Wow, boss. You pulled out quicker than the French did with the Grenouille case."

"Hey," Jenny said.

"Too soon?" Tony grinned and Jenny threw a beer can at him.

Before Tony could throw it back, Ziva put her hand on his shoulder. "Relax," she whispered in his ear.

Tony dropped the can and looked at his cards. Crap. All he had was a lousy pair of fives. He took three new cards when Ducky around got to him. Still crap.

Ducky, Eli and Tony folded almost immediately, leaving Jenny and Ziva to play what seemed like the longest hand **ever**. Neither of them made a big bet until 0500.

"I am all in," Ziva said. She took Tony's sunglasses off his face and put them on hers (Tony had fallen asleep by this point).

Jenny called Ziva's bet. Big mistake. Ziva had drawn a Straight Flush, which beat Jenny's Ace-high straight.

Jenny started muttering in Russian, at which point, Gibbs said, "Jen, there's kids present. Watch your language."

As if to prove his point, he nodded toward the two youngest players at the table, one of whom was out like a light (Tony), the other with her jaw on the table at Jenny's choice of words (Ziva).


	7. Screwing With Eli

"Ziva, wake DiNozzo up," Gibbs ordered.

"I'm already awake, boss," Tony said, without even moving. "Cash me out."

Gibbs counted Tony's chips. "$8500, DiNozzo. Lucky bastard."

"Quitting, Agent DiNozzo?" Eli asked mockingly.

"Don't push me, Eli," Tony replied. "Otherwise I might marry Ziva."

"You wouldn't dare."

"Wouldn't I? Ziva's just my type, Eli. She's smart, beautiful, and one of the only women I know that can kick her father's ass."

Looking up, Tony grinned at the look on Eli's face, so he decided that he was going to push until it hurt.

"So, Ziva, I was thinking that we should get married in the Florida Keys. Then a little trip to _Italia_ for a few weeks. What do you think? Or should we just skip all that and elope in Vegas?"

Eli looked like he was about to have an aneurysm. "DiNozzo, you are the **_last_** person I would give my blessing to. Even if you were the last man on Earth, I would still give my blessing to a dead man over you."

"Did I touch a nerve, Eli?"

"Yes," Eli said through gritted teeth.

"I'd apologize, but Rule 6."

"What is Rule 6?"

"Never say you're sorry. It's a sign of weakness."

Eli held up his index finger. "I will break your leg with this finger."

"I'd say I doubt it, but I'm going on a coffee run. The rest of you want any coffee?"

Gibbs, Jenny, Ziva, Ducky and Eli nodded in agreement. Tony took his notepad and a pen out of his pocket. He handed them to Gibbs. "Write down your name and what you're drinking."

After a few minutes, the orders were written down, and Tony was driving off. The game continued.


	8. C'est la vie

The players were Gibbs, Ziva, Ducky, and Eli. The Final Four were halfway through their sixth hand when Tony got back, carrying coffee and donuts.

"Okay. Gibbs - black, no sugar. Director Shepard - black, no sugar. Eli - Cream and sugar. Ducky - tea. Ziva - chemistry lab experiment I did in high school. I don't even remember what all they put in that drink. And I got donuts too. Enjoy."

Tony saw the players' hands when he was passing out the drinks. Ducky had the worst hand easily, and Ziva had the best. There was no way in hell that Ducky was bluffing his way out of this hand.

0700.

"I'm all in," Ducky said. Eli and Gibbs folded.

"Call," Ziva said.

"What does your hand hold, Ziva?"

"Nine, ten, Jack, Queen, and King of Hearts. Straight Flush."

"Full house. You won the hand. And you cleaned me out. _C'est la vie_, I guess."

"Last three, Ducky. Gibbs, Ziva and Eli. This is gonna be a bloodbath," Tony said.


	9. Bloodbath

By 0900, Gibbs, Ziva, and Eli basically hadn't moved since they began playing the round of 3.

Tony was trying to break up the monotony.

"Ladies and gentlemen, who saw this coming? LJ Gibbs, Mossad Director Eli David, and the sexiest Ninja alive, Ziva David, playing for 14 hours non-stop. Something's gotta give, but with these three, you can never tell."

"DiNozzo," Eli snapped.

"No talking from the dummy," Gibbs said.

"Sorry, boss."

"Not you," Gibbs looked from Tony to Eli. "Him."

Ziva shook her head. She looked at the cards in her hand for the first time in about an hour. Now she remembered why she ignored her hand. Garbage high, garbage low. Luckily, nobody could see her eyes darting from her cards to the pot.

0945.

Ziva had enough, so she decided to bluff. Tony gave her a thumbs-up from behind Gibbs.

"I am all in," she said.

"Eli, I'll let you two have this one," Gibbs said. "I fold."

Eli looked at Ziva, trying to read her face, but it wasn't working too well. Ziva closed her mind, because she knew all the Mossad tricks.

"I call your bet," Eli said.

Ziva started muttering in Hebrew, and Eli knew he won. Ziva was out of the game, and the final showdown was set.


	10. The Final Showdown

1000. Leroy Jethro Gibbs versus Eli David. The ultimate showdown. Granted, it wasn't a fight to the death, as Tony and a few others had hoped, but it was still going to be awesome.

Tony ran out and grabbed a video camera out of his car. He set it up before Gibbs could deal the cards or set the game.

The camera was rolling as Gibbs started to deal.

"Eli, it's five-card stud. Aces go both ways, and no card wild."

"Fair enough. I open for five hundred."

"Call. Cards?"

Eli looked at his hand. He had ace, deuce, four, seven, and ten.

"Two." He gave up the seven and the ten, but got them back when he received his new cards.

Gibbs looked at his cards. He was an Ace of Diamonds shy of a Royal Flush. "Dealer takes one."

Gibbs threw away the eight of clubs and pulled the nine of diamonds. He still had a straight flush, so he wasn't complaining. He won the hand.

1200.

Neither Gibbs nor Eli had moved a muscle since the final round began. They were too busy trying to take each other's money to notice their surroundings.

1855.

Gibbs and Eli were dead even. Having played for 24 hours without sleep, one of them was bound to slip up. That person was Eli.

Playing with what was easily the worst hand EVER, he tried bluffing Gibbs. Bad idea.

"All in," Eli said.

Gibbs read Eli's face and started laughing uncontrollably. "Eli, like I asked Fornell 24 hours ago, **_exactly how dumb_** do you think I am?"

"Um-"

"Don't answer. **I call**. What do you got?"

Eli showed his hand, and the entire room roared with laughter.

"Ouch," Gibbs said. "I got a Royal Flush. Sorry, Eli. Thanks for coming. DiNozzo, shut off that damn camera."

Tony shut off the camera, still laughing at Eli's face, which had the same reaction as when Tony was screwing with him fourteen hours earlier.


	11. Never Let Her Go

"Anybody wanna go see a movie?" Tony asked. "It's on me."

"Agent DiNozzo," Eli said. "Follow me."

"This can't be good," Tony muttered.

Eli lead him outside. He looked at Tony. "DiNozzo, it's no secret that I do not like you. You're also **_easily_** the most arrogant son of a bitch I have ever met."

"Thanks for the compliment, Eli," Tony replied.

"However," Eli continued, "I have seen how happy you make my daughter. I wish you two the best. But know this: If you hurt her, _I_ will hurt _you_. Do I make myself clear?"

"Very clear, Director David. Is that all?"

"For now. Tell Gibbs I will be back for my re-match. Shalom." Eli walked to his rental and headed for the airport.

Tony walked back into Gibbs' house, and Gibbs told Tony and Ziva to meet him in the basement.

"Tony, Ziva," Gibbs said, "I know what you two have been doing for the last six months. How you managed to keep it a secret, I will **never** know."

"Gibbs-"

"Let me finish, Ziva. I can't be mad at you two or Abby and McGee for breaking Rule 12. Hell, I broke it myself a few days ago."

"Well, that's what Rule 51 is for. Right, boss?"

"DiNozzo..."

"Well, what else am I supposed to say?"

Head-slap.

"Sorry, boss."

Head-slap. From Ziva.

"I probably deserved that."

Catching the look on Gibbs' face, Ziva said, "I will be upstairs. See you later, Tony."

"See ya," Tony said. He kissed her on the cheek.

After she left the basement, Gibbs said, "Tony, now that you got her, never let her go."

"Could say the same about you and Director Shepard, couldn't I?"

"Yeah. Now, go. Enjoy the rest of the weekend."

"Going, boss. See ya Monday. Oh, and Eli said he'll be back for a re-match."

When Tony got back upstairs (and outside), Ziva asked what Gibbs told him.

"He said now that I've got you, not to let you go. And he's right."

"And my father?"

"He said that it's no secret that he doesn't like me, and that I'm easily the most arrogant son of a bitch he's ever met. But there was a silver lining. He basically gave me his blessing."

"Well, at last you two are acting civilized towards each other."

"What more could you ask for these days?" He kissed her, and they left Gibbs' house. They both knew he'd want to be left alone until Monday.

Down in the basement...

"So, Jethro, what did Tony tell you?" Jenny asked.

"He gave me the same advice about you that I gave him about Ziva," Gibbs replied.

"Which was?"

"Now that I've got you, don't let you go."

"That's great advice."

"Yeah, it is."

He went to a corner of the room and found a box marked 'useless crap.' He felt around in the box, and he found what he was looking for. He pulled out a 'Do Not Disturb' sign and hung it from the basement doorknob.

"What's that for, Jethro?"

"Just in case."

A little bit of advice goes far. "Now that you've got her, never let her go" is an example of that. Gibbs passed it on to Tony, who passed it back, and they both passed it on to McGee.

Life is just one big poker game. Sometimes, you have to go all in to win the jackpot.


End file.
